The Parent Corporation

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Success!

Success!

I’m reading a lovely book called Family Inc. It’s how to run your household like a business and bring the routines that are successful in the workplace to your home.  Which is a great idea.

Still, it seems a little funny to me to create job descriptions and reviews for your children.

“Billy, you’ve been a valuable part of our team these 8.5 years. That’s why we’re pleased to offer you a three-cent raise!

“Did you say three cents?”

“Yuup! That’s a whole $1.56 per annum. Why, at the end of the year, you can get your own candy bar – tax included!

“But… my academic performance has improved. I have two new teeth – permanent teeth. I was invited to a record six birthday parties – ”

“About those parties. On paper, they’re actually not assets. No, they’re big fat losses to the bottom line. For the record, we’re instituting a new 3-birthday party cap.”

“In that case, let me bring your attention to the no-hitter I pitched against Lakeside. You posted, like, 14 pictures on your Facebook page.”

“Like I said, we’re pleased, and your raise reflects that.”

this is bull s&%t

this is bull s&%t

(Heavy sigh.)”Okay, if you must know, you’ve been a little sloppy with your chores. I’m finding dirty dishes that should be in the dishwasher, and your mom had to clean the litter box last week.”

“Those were not my dishes! If I’m not mistaken, they were yours. And pardon my French, but I was kicking tail at Academia Nuts last week!”

“Your ‘French’ is what’s keeping you from making a competitive wage, young man. Now, I don’t think you realize how much we spend on your food, shelter,… your clothing budget alone is enormous. You can always strive to do better next year, Billy, but I gotta tell ya, with this attitude and work ethic, I’m not sure I can recommend you for that leaf-raking position at Mr. Jones’s place.”

“But Mr. Jones already told me he’d pay me a dollar!”

“Not when he hears about that litter box. You’re still getting your three cents. If I were you, I’d be happy. I’ve heard of some families adopting children from overseas…”

“Aww, nuts.”                                  

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