Girls Who Run the World


Yes, I’m going full-out Beyoncé, but I have a damned good excuse.

Girl Scout Cookies.

The Dutch have asparagus and nieuwe haring. The French have beaujolais nouveau. We have Thin Mints, Do-si-dos, and Trefoils.

Sorry, Europeans! Looks like you lose again!


God bless America!


Which means, if you should happen to be living under a rock and miss the cookie sale, there will be something missing from your life. For a whole year, something won’t seem quite right. You will wonder if you are losing your mind…


Do not adjust your television.

It’s only cookies, you will tell yourself. No big deal. I can live without them.

Then you will start to see them everywhere: mixed into ice cream and cereal, crushed on martini glasses, outside your dispensary (if you’re one lucky SOB.)

You see, these young women know the power of baked goods. Think about it: What happens when a Jehovah’s Witness comes to your door? What about someone running for public office? You pull out the big ‘ol guns. (Literally, if you live in Waukesha County, you pull out your guns.)

We’ve been known to pretend we’re dead on Halloween night just to avoid trick or treaters.

But come over with a sash and a cookie form? Fetch my checkbook!! We totally don’t care that they cost more than that oil change you’ve been putting off. (You can’t dunk mileage in hot coffee. Don’t even try.)

Where does all of this money go? has a breakdown if you’re interested. Make sure you scroll down to “Cookie Revenue,” as it comes after a bunch of questions about gluten. Basically, the Girl Scouts are taking care of themselves. Yes, a portion goes to local administration, but some goes to pay the baker, most of it maintains camps, and I’m sure there’s a hefty legal fund for bloggers who get all up in their patches.

Here’s a FAQ: who cares? You know you’re going to buy them, eat them (you’re NOT putting them in your freezer, unless that’s what you call your gullet) and forget about them until next winter when the snow is gray and gravelly, the Superbowl is over, and there’s nothing to live for. Nothing but sweet and tangy Lemonades and thin, Thin Mints.



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