Complicated guacamole exists.
It exists to plague me.
Who put cumin in here? Noooooo!
Guacamole as you can see from this Wikipedia link is Spanish – mole (meaning sauce) and guaca – (which doesn’t sound too appetizing in its own right). It’s made from the planet’s slimiest, greenest, fullest-fat fruit, the avocado. (If I had audio, I’d insert a choir of angels. They’re delicious. Avocados, I mean, not angels.)
Don’t do the avocado wrong, man! A plant this fine deserves center stage.
I’m no chef. I’m just a pasty, Midwestern square, but I am on a mission to rescue guacamole from funky excess ingredients like sour cream, basil (!!!!), sriracha, bacon, and any and all distractions.
My guacamole starts with salt. It’s my melt-in molcajete – add some smushed cloves of fresh garlic and mush it together. You can do this in a handy chopper if you and your guac are going out on the town, but I find a bowl, spoon, and strong biceps work just as well.
Avocados are next: get the haas. Or don’t, what do I know? That’s the only kind they sell in my barrio. I choose blackish-green ones with just enough “give” when I press on them. If your thumb sinks in, pretend to be distracted by something else, put down the overripe fruit and leave the store…
Cut the avocado in half. You won’t be able to slice through the pit, so just go around it, twist both sides and pull it apart. Ideally, you’ll have a side with the pit and a pit-free side. Worst case scenario, you’ll end up in a big, messy fight with something other-worldly that will end up being a mango. If this happens, you can still make mango salsa: stay positive!
Score the flesh with a knife. Careful not to slice through the skin. Remember, we’re making simple guacamole, so NO BLOOD. Then, use your garlic-smushing spoon to scoop the green stuff out into the salt/garlic mixture. Go ahead, rough it up a little bit. Ripe avocados will break down, and not-so-ripe avocados bring me to the next allowable ingredient…
Lemon and/or lime juice. Yeah, it’s from a bottle. Jealous?
(I can hear my actual chef neighbor gasp. Sorry, Heather!)
Hey, I can’t keep lemons or limes fresh at my house. Don’t judge. The juice works! It’s still got tangy zing, and the acid helps to smooth out the avocado chunks.
If you want to get all fancy, go ahead and use fresh. It’s your nickel.
So that’s it! Salt, garlic, avocados, and a little lemon or lime juice. So good.
Now, I know some of you are itching to tell me what you add to guacamole that I will love. And I will entertain your thoughts. Knock yourself out in the comments section.
Then come to my house and scarf a whole bowl of my never-was-a-secret recipe. I won’t say I told you so… ; )
Clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Paramount Pictures, 1981.