The Two Squarest Words Ever: PBS Kids

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It’s summer, and that means TV. Lots and lots of it. Hooray for Netflix! My children can sit there and watch back to back episodes, or just have the TV on while they fight, it’s all good.

Except the programming, that’s all pretty bad.

I thought it couldn’t get worse last year when they were into Winx Club and Pokemon, but it DID. They discovered Chowder, Uncle Grandpa, Johnny Test. Oh my gourd, these shows suck.

eew

“It’s hard to be productive when your hands are always bent in demure submission. Tee hee!”

First of all, they’re not really kids shows. They’re shows for young adults who just got fired, broke up with someone, and/or discovered weed. They’re 22 minutes worth of butt jokes. Perfect for when your kids are jaded from a hard day of mail-box baseball and shoplifting. If your kids are in elementary school, they end up asking questions like, “What’s a surrogate?” and “Is Mr. Gus really dead?”

We couldn’t take one more minute! So, I found this list of the 30 best kids’ shows on Netflix. Okay, #25 was a PBS Kids show. So was #24 & #22. We watched #21 when they were three, #18 won’t interest them until they’re twelve. Practically one PBS show after another all down the line until finally, the number one show for kids on Netflix:

ARTHUR!

Arthur? The PBS Kids show that’s so lame, it makes parents squirm uncomfortably? No, not because of thinly-veiled jokes about bulimia, the exact opposite. Because the kids on Arthur are so damned good. They champion vegetarian diets and energy efficiency. They befriend children with disabilities and would never, NEVER think of them as different. They’re kind to each other. They respect parents and teachers. In short, they don’t really DO anything. Unless you’re thirty-eight, and read lots of Olive Ann Burns, they’re boring.

So, who wrote this list of the best shows? A grownup on the payroll of Paste (online zines don’t get whiter than Paste!), whose “kids” may or may not be parakeets.

“Guess what the best kids show on Netflix is!” I said, my enthusiasm less veiled than the aforementioned bulimia jokes.

“The Day My Butt Went Psycho?”

“My Little Pony?”

“Well, My Little Pony is third…, but it’s ARTHUR! Let’s watch it!”

“Arthur? What the #@&*?!?”

arthur

“Please don’t take your anger out on me like my dad does…”

“Yes, that’s what I thought you’d say. But I have this article right here…”

“Take your  article, and %&#^$…”

Thanks a million, Netflix! We’ll watch Total Wipeout instead. It’s a show about physics…!

Images: Arthur from PBSkids.org Winx Club from nick.com

 

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