Sugar Time!

I used to work as a secretary in a large office, and part of my job – since everyone in the office had a candy bowl – was to go to Costco and get hard candy in bulk. It was an assortment of anonymous, generic candy: peppermints, butterscotch, those disappointing gel-filled strawberries whose wrappers were actually the best part of the experience (they say you eat with your eyes first, anyway.)

I think the actual bag weighed twenty pounds. It was the size of a bag of dog food. I used to heft it up into the cart. The brand on the bag was “Sugar Time,” which I thought was the perfect name.

If anyone had ever accosted me in the parking lot, I would’ve said, “It’s Sugar Time,” swung that bag at them, and knocked them out cold. Naturally, they’d be wearing a striped shirt and a mask…

Anyway, I think about that big bag of candy every year about this time, because on top of the normal school supplies, the clothes, and other stuff I buy my kids for school, I also have to buy:

10 icing tubes (if my son can’t swallow, the sugar still gets in his bloodstream through the gums)

3 bags of Starbursts (for plain old low blood sugar)

2 boxes of Chewy Granola Bars (in case it’s a long way till the next meal)

2 packs of juice boxes (yuck).

10 pocket folders of the same color, labeled

Snack-sized zip lock bags

What my kitchen looks like before school starts.

and then I have to go to the T1D Mod Squad site and print out almost all of these things for my student who has Type 1 Diabetes. (T1D Mod Squad has all kinds of resources including this very user-friendly breakdown of ADA regulations, 504 info, travel/TSA links – anything you can imagine.)

Then I put all of that stuff together in 10 packages and distribute them to all of my son’s teachers, the library, and school secretary. (This is not all we do to prepare for the year, there’s a bunch of other forms, medications, diabetes-specific supplies, etc.)

We’re lucky most of the staff remembers the drill from year to year. They’re great with my son, as they are with the many other students who have health issues. (Thanks, school! XO)

Still, I dread sugar time. It’s a reminder that my kid can’t just go out for recess and run around without someone looking out for him. It means his teachers won’t immediately know if he’s just being a goofball (he’s my son, after all) or if his blood sugar is low – or high – diabetes is weird like that.

I know I need to let go, relax, and hope for the best. It gets easier when you know what to expect. Every year, my son gives a short presentation to his class. He’s good at explaining Type 1 and patient with answering questions. I am actually relieved and proud that he’s bright and kindhearted enough to handle most of the diabetes-related social issues that come his way.

But, make no mistake: if anyone decides they’re going to cross my kid this year – It’s Sugar Time!

Psst! – If you want to support a great cause, T1D Mod Squad is a 501(c)3 non-profit that helps families living with T1D and advocates for health care and other important issues.

Take the Money and Run

In the never-ending quest to raise money for our school, the powers that be have decided they want a “colorful-powder bipedal locomotion event.” (If I get sued, it will be for overuse of thesaurus.)

You may remember, I went to a motivational lunch for such an event a few years back. I honestly did go with an open mind, and hey – free meals will make people do just about anything! But, when I left, I felt horrible knowing that some public school kids begged their grandparents and smashed their piggy banks to pay for that meal.

My fellow PTO members heard my conclusion and we had the same fundraiser we always had with our own brand of fun incentives that didn’t involve anything more ominous than a pie in a face or a ride to school in a police car.

But that was then.

Now, there’s a new group of PTO parents (who we appreciate!), spring is somewhere on the horizon, and the year’s coffers are almost empty. The professional, for-profit fundraising vultures are circling with their siren song of huge returns and “hardly any” work. This year, someone else attended the free lunch. And they really took the bait. So, it would seem, we’re going to shell out and “spend money to make money.”

Maybe it’s not too late. When I went to the fundraising lunch a few years ago, I was incensed when – in the very same breath that they were promising us we wouldn’t have to lift a finger – the FUN-raiser, Dynamite Dave, hinted that if we wanted our school’s event to be a real success, we could find ideas on Pinterest.

Well, with all this talk about white t-shirts and colored powder, I did a little research of my own. You know what I discovered? It’s kind of FUN to make your own colored powder. And it’s FREAKISHLY CHEAP!

We used cornstarch (97 cents at Target), food color (I’ve had it forever, so I’m going to guess it was about three bucks. It’s $3.69 on Target’s website, but hey – I can do better. And, no, I’m not an affiliate.), and water.

 

Here’s my daughter and a friend mixin’ it up! (You make oobleck first – this project just keeps getting better!)

Here’s the color drying.

We only made a little to start

Here it is after we ground it back into a fine powder!

This was such a satisfying (and did I mention cheap?) activity, I want to make more of this. A LOT more. If anyone from our school wanted me to do a color powder project with, say, 300 kids, I might not say no. That’s how gratifying it was. Come September or October, it would be completely dry and ready for an “event.” (Wink, wink!)

Getting coated in colored powder looks awesome. But for these professional “fun” raisers, I’m seeing more of a tar-and-feathers motif. Atlanta Public Schools has a thoughtful blog and Facebook page on this subject – please give it a read!

I would still love to hear a heartwarming story about one of these events, so if you have one, please share in the comments! Heck, I’d love to hear either way. Thanks! 😀

 

The Birchbark House

Some time ago, I wrote several posts about the Laura Ingalls Wilder “Little House” series. My sister, Ann, had the wisdom to save that collection and hand it down to my very lucky daughter.  We read them together.

I didn’t know, however, that Laura Ingalls was only slice of what’s available…

This summer, I was wandering around the children’s section of the library and I found Louise Erdrich’s “Birchbark House.”

I’m a huge fan of Erdrich’s books. How did I not know about this?

Truth be told, I checked it out for myself, not knowing if I would foist it on my daughter.

She’s into the whole horror scene, and the books I recommend tend not to be “cool.” So I read it. It was amazing, and I forgot how much I loved Erdrich’s writing. But, I kept thinking back to those happy-ish Little House books, and that scene in “Little House on the Prairie” where they watch the Indians “ride away” (wink, wink),  and Laura cries because she wants an Indian baby for herself. (!!!)

I just had to show my daughter there’s another side to that part of American history. So, she read about the baby girl in the very first pages and what happens to her. (I won’t give it away. Are you crazy? You need to read this for yourself!) Then, we had a long discussion and she asked some very hard questions. And now, we’re kind of hooked…

This weekend, we’re off to find the other Birchbark books, “Game of Silence,” “The Porcupine Year,” “Chickadee,” and “Makoons.” I can’t wait to have another series to read with my kid. I can’t wait to see what happens.

If you have a favorite historical series, please share it! ~ Thanks!!

 

Meet the Punchers

When I was a kid, there was a family in the neighborhood. I’ll call them the Punchers, because that was something they really enjoyed. (Besides, they might hunt me down and beat me if I identify them.)

The Punchers are directly responsible for much of my parental anxiety.

They had a kid my age – a girl, even! She just loved to hit, but she did not love reciprocity. I preferred to play with the neighborhood boys even though they weren’t my age. It was safer.

Of course, sometimes I had to play with her. Her mom would come over and threaten to punch my mom if I didn’t.

The Puncher kids went to public school, which colored my view of public school kids and public school in general.

Ahem.

One day, I was having dinner at the Punchers, and Mrs. Puncher asked me about parochial school.*

The brother (who was about 4 years older) interrupted my answer to ask why he didn’t go to parochial school.

“You think we’d pay for your education?” she laughed, “That would be a waste of money!”

The Punchers all thought this was hilarious, and their son didn’t seem the least bit hurt.

Anyway, I thought about them recently when I heard my kids were playing musical chairs in school. I have only one experience with musical chairs, and it’s from Puncher girl’s birthday party. When the music stopped, she punched the crap out of me until I gave up my chair.

Thank goodness, those aren’t the rules of the game, even in public school. Still, my kids are lukewarm to the Darwinian nature of musical chairs.

In our school, it’s more like,

“Here’s a chair, old chum. Trust me, you need it more than I do.”

“Ha, ha! No, thank you, I insist!  I prefer to watch those other poor souls duke it out for dwindling resources.”

“Right-o! That’s what passes for entertainment nowadays…”

Monocles and spatter-dashes are big at my kids’ school.

Maman, do pack more of those nummy fruit leathers!

And punching is so-o-o last year.

*Parochial school in the eighties had a whole ‘nother set of problems.

10 Things NOT to Say When Your Kid Gets in Trouble at School

1. That teacher went to a state school.
2. You? Never.
3. At least you’re not as bad as that other kid.
4. Aw, were you hungry in your tummy when that happened?
5. He/she has always had it in for our family.
6. That other kid deserved it.
7. Tell him/her I play golf with the School Superintendent.
8. I thought their job was to teach.
9. I hope you told him/her to cram it.
10. Get me a beer.

It’s bound to happen. Even the “best” kids are going to step out of line, rebel, cross a difficult personality on a full moon, or just do something that’s plain stupid.

Kids is so dumb!

Here’s what you should say: nothing at first. Listen to the whole story, and then listen some more. Use your wise King Solomon ears to tease out your child’s responsibility for what happened. (Yes. I’m talking about your special angel.)

Take a deep breath and say, “I’m really sorry that happened. What can you do differently in the future?”

And that’s it. If you have a child in a school, you want to be on that team, and not stressing every minute about how “those idiots are doing you wrong.” (Is this really about you?) After your kid goes to bed, you can have that beer.

No Limit

If you think this is going to be some sort of inspirational essay, it’s not.

It’s actually about the cruelty of the gym teacher at our elementary school where every day, from 9:10AM to 3:20PM, he plays a song that goes…

“No. No.

No-no No. No.

No-no No. No.

No-no-no-no LI! MIT!”

That’s the whole song.

Repeat that over and over in your head and see if you don’t start to spill state secrets. For how long? I dunno. Ten. Ten. Ten-ten-ten-ten Min! Utes?

The first time I heard the song, the PA system was so loud and distorted, I thought the words were “No eat it,” as in something a two year old would say in regard to  a recently-introduced food. It is, after all, an elementary school gym class, and two years ago, they were drilled with a song called “What Does the Fox Say?”

“Ning ning ning ning ning a-ning a-ning,” “Whattchachachachachachachow,” and “Hatchie hatchie hatchie HO.”

I have quite the extensive vocabulary!

We can only afford one song per year. Public school. No no no no no no Bud. Get. The gym teacher buys the cheapest one he can get, and spends the rest of his allotment on his annual subscription to the Journal of Phys Ed Aphorism.

2016’s song is No Limit. It’s got that 80’s aerobics kind of vibe that makes you want to don a French-cut leotard and kick your Reeboks up over your Frost & Tip.

Yeowch!

“I have that ‘No Eat It’ song in my head,” I told my third grader.

“I think she’s actually saying ‘No Lemon.'”

No Lemon makes much more sense, especially to picky eaters. When you don’t want lemon, you want everyone to be sure you get No! Lemon!

Another staff member said she thought the song was “No Women,” at first, which was strange, since presumably it’s a woman singing the song. Then, she said, she listened closer and heard “No Wimint.”

Of course. No WIMINT! I can rest my addled brain knowing someone has finally taken a stand against wimint.

Ahh.

My husband is one of those people who is constantly whistling and denying it, and today, while stirring a bowl of peanut sauce in the kitchen, I heard him tooting out “No Limit.” The torture is complete. It has osmosed into our family home and gripped our collective brain.

No Limit. Dammit. That’s when I knew we were all doomed. Doomed!!! This song makes Mmm-Bop sound downright orchestral.

In case you’re curious, here’s the video from 2 Unlimited, the original artists from 1993!?!? And the song has lyrics??? I’m going to have a word with that sadistic gym teacher. Meanwhile, I hope these two aren’t still trapped in that pinball machine. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkEXGgdqMz8

Until we meet again – No wimnit e’erybody.

PEACE.

 

The Two Squarest Words Ever: PBS Kids

It’s summer, and that means TV. Lots and lots of it. Hooray for Netflix! My children can sit there and watch back to back episodes, or just have the TV on while they fight, it’s all good.

Except the programming, that’s all pretty bad.

I thought it couldn’t get worse last year when they were into Winx Club and Pokemon, but it DID. They discovered Chowder, Uncle Grandpa, Johnny Test. Oh my gourd, these shows suck.

“It’s hard to be productive when your hands are always bent in demure submission. Tee hee!”

First of all, they’re not really kids shows. They’re shows for young adults who just got fired, broke up with someone, and/or discovered weed. They’re 22 minutes worth of butt jokes. Perfect for when your kids are jaded from a hard day of mail-box baseball and shoplifting. If your kids are in elementary school, they end up asking questions like, “What’s a surrogate?” and “Is Mr. Gus really dead?”

We couldn’t take one more minute! So, I found this list of the 30 best kids’ shows on Netflix. Okay, #25 was a PBS Kids show. So was #24 & #22. We watched #21 when they were three, #18 won’t interest them until they’re twelve. Practically one PBS show after another all down the line until finally, the number one show for kids on Netflix:

ARTHUR!

Arthur? The PBS Kids show that’s so lame, it makes parents squirm uncomfortably? No, not because of thinly-veiled jokes about bulimia, the exact opposite. Because the kids on Arthur are so damned good. They champion vegetarian diets and energy efficiency. They befriend children with disabilities and would never, NEVER think of them as different. They’re kind to each other. They respect parents and teachers. In short, they don’t really DO anything. Unless you’re thirty-eight, and read lots of Olive Ann Burns, they’re boring.

So, who wrote this list of the best shows? A grownup on the payroll of Paste (online zines don’t get whiter than Paste!), whose “kids” may or may not be parakeets.

“Guess what the best kids show on Netflix is!” I said, my enthusiasm less veiled than the aforementioned bulimia jokes.

“The Day My Butt Went Psycho?”

“My Little Pony?”

“Well, My Little Pony is third…, but it’s ARTHUR! Let’s watch it!”

“Arthur? What the #@&*?!?”

“Please don’t take your anger out on me like my dad does…”

“Yes, that’s what I thought you’d say. But I have this article right here…”

“Take your  article, and %&#^$…”

Thanks a million, Netflix! We’ll watch Total Wipeout instead. It’s a show about physics…!

Images: Arthur from PBSkids.org Winx Club from nick.com

 

Give Goop a Chance

BEHOLD!

 

The leftover school supplies came home yesterday. My second grader, who started the year with two 4-oz bottles of white glue lamented that she had only used one and just started another.

“There aren’t any fun art projects in second grade,” she concluded.

I said second graders are probably more careful and don’t waste as much glue. She wasn’t listening.

“Can I use this glue to make goop?”

After a long day, I was in no mood to make goop.I was still up to my elbows unpacking my kindergarten kid’s leftovers.

He ended up with TWO FULL 4-oz bottles of glue! (Aha! Nobody lets 17 five year olds loose with liquid glue.) Naturally, he wanted to make goop, too.

I caved.

We measured, emptied the glue, chose pretty colors, and in about 30 seconds, they had smooth, slippery, bounce-back goop.

Here’s a link to the video we used. It’s made from Borax, white glue, water & food coloring.

Now, I’m a grown person, averse to snot-based polymers, but I found myself actively trying to resist that goop. It looked so cool. Why should they get it all to themselves?

About a week ago, our school ran a book fair. We probably received a dozen or more “adult coloring books.” (Not that kind of adult, though I’m sure they exist. Please don’t send links.) Parents were delighted. They bought out the Harry Potter and Dr. Who titles, along with colored pencil sets and fancy markers. Childhood pastimes aren’t just for One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest anymore!

If you weren’t into the coloring book craze, or maybe your hands are cramped up like vulture talons from filling in all those tiny spaces, give something like goop a chance. It’s surprisingly clean and easy to wrangle, a half batch (with 2 oz glue and 1/2 teaspoon Borax) is still enough to satisfy, and it stays workable for a long time. We’ve had ours for two days, and it’s still good as new. You will wear out before your goop does.

For many more fun and relaxing sensory activities, check out my ebook, After School – only $0.99 on the ‘zon.

Thanks to the Friskies Catify App.

The fun in fundraising

I spent the afternoon in a restaurant listening to some very compelling arguments for privatizing our school’s fundraising.

LOL – jk!

They weren’t compelling at all. In fact, they were tired and embarrassing. Pie in a teacher’s face? (snort!) Amateurs…

Since the ancient Greeks started sending their kids to listen to philosophers and mathematicians, (as in, “I’m trying to get this pottery cleaned up! Take your stick and go make equations with Pythagoras!) schools have been raising money. (“Mom, Pythagoras says we all need to bring a coin for Theorem-a-Thon!”)

Someone’s not getting a frisbee!

Our schools are underfunded. That’s not news. If you want an understanding of the public school budget system, I recommend the Origami Yoda series by Tom Angleberger. Share them with your kids if you want them to be just as disappointed and cynical about education.

But there’s something inherently stupid about hiring a private company to fund-raise for you. Because what’s Suze Orman’s number one rule of money? Pay Yourself First. (or is it, Whiten those teeth, girlfriend? Nope – pretty sure it’s pay yourself first.)

And it’s not your school getting paid first if you’re hiring professionals. In fact, as I watched tables of volunteer moms, principals, and teachers scarf down salads and breadsticks, I wanted to shout:

“Who paid for this lunch? Who bought these pens? Who pays the salaries of Dynamite Dave and his motivational pals?”

 

Why, yes, Charlton Heston, it IS people. It’s people with kids in public school, sometimes even the kids themselves.

Now, wait a minute, this is something new… It’s ALL-INCLUSIVE! The parents don’t have to do anything! They just circulate a few posts (each day for 2 weeks) on social media. Generous donors open their wallets, and cash pours in! The fundraisers take care of EVERYTHING.

One savvy (or unwitting) school principal asked a telling question: What’s the biggest mistake schools make in your experience?

“I would say, just showing up on the day and expecting everything to be perfect,” said Dynamite Dave.

Ummmmm, did I miss something? I thought that’s what you were selling!

Well, she continued,  what’s the best way to increase our earnings and involvement?

Wait for it…

“There’s a lot of great ideas for themes and stuff on Pinterest.”

PINTEREST!?!? Are you f*cking serious?

Parent volunteers, let me save you at least 50 cents of every dollar your poor kids scrape up for that safe, tetanus-free playground, and that recently-charged fire extinguisher…

Just get on Pinterest and do the goddamned fundraiser yourself. You’re going to be doing the work, anyway, and you’ll be in charge because it’s small-batch and local, not insert-your-name-here.

Until communities stop starving schools, we’re going to have to raise money. It’s dazzling to think it’s as easy as signing up with a slick fundraising company. These are scams, and they should be ashamed.

I want 100% for my kids’ school. Thanks for the breadsticks.

Why Did He Get Elected?!

Driving home from school, listening to the radio, we hear a story about the ways in which one presidential hopeful doesn’t play nicely with his peers.

Despite our choice of news outlet, we still hear about this person more than the other candidates, more than international news, … just MORE.

My daughter wants to know why he was elected.

“He wasn’t elected, he wants to be elected.”

“So we still have the same president?”

“Yes.”

“Well, they hardly ever talk about the president anymore, and everyone talks about this guy.”

Yup. This guy. He certainly has a talent for being talked about.

(I’m not saying that. A lot of people are asking me, and I’m just repeating what a lot of people are saying. It’s not me that’s saying it.)

Lo and behold, in the New Children’s Nonfiction Section of my local library, I found this gem:

Written by Edward Keenan, author, journalist, talk-show host, and (sigh) Canadian, the book explores politics in its many forms beginning with children around the world who created widespread change, to dictatorship and revolution, to the power of the free press.

I learned (or, ahem, remembered) more reading this book than my kids did – it’s intended for grades 5-8, so it ended up being more of a discussion with me asking questions like, “What would happen if the city wanted to tear down our house to build a highway?”

I also love the Canadian-ness of it: “Does this proposed solution seem likely to work?” (with “work” understood as; for a logical reason that meets the will and needs of the nation at large, lol.) Basically, The Art of the Possible removes all the cynicism and divisiveness from the political process, and leaves a good, clean, thorough civics lesson behind.

Something better than winning

Image from Mummenschanz.com

 

The kernel they did take away from the book, even though they were tired of my pedagogy after a while, was that digging down in your own argument short-changes both sides, and that making your fellow citizens, classmates, or – yes! – even siblings your enemy can lead to gridlock and poor outcomes (like the loss of the Wii.)

They’re not activists yet, but I feel better-equipped when questions arise. And from now until November, there are bound to be more questions.

If you’re looking for middle-grade activities now that the iciness has set in, look no further than my book, After School – on amazon for only $0.99!