Father, all-powerful, and ever-living dad, we stress out always and everywhere to buy you gifts. There, I said it. We worship you, we give you thanks, but you have a stack of Applebee’s gift cards gathering dust on your desk. Your closets burst forth with Henley sweaters.
Dad’s getting up in years, and it’s time to switch your gift ideas from durable goods to consumables. If your dad has three hot lather machines on his bathroom counter, and he’s still using the one from 1976, this is the year to give socks and booze.
That’s what they USE.
All winter long, my parents drink and warm their icy feet. In the spring (okay, August), they shed their fuzzy footwear which is now full of holes (presumably from staggering around the house with a scotch), and the process begins anew.
Don’t get me wrong, they are NOT alcoholics, or even heavy drinkers. They don’t even drink! They’re just cold and oldies in the Midwest, is all. They need to take the chill off.
Step inside their house on a day like today (“Bitter cold and damp,” as my dad would say) and you will feel as if you just got off a plane in Equatorial Guinea. Don’t be confused by the oil refining equipment. We thought my dad might take it up as a hobby many Christmases ago…
As I’ve said before, it’s cold here. The weather outside is frightful, so stay in and drink, is our motto. And if you don’t believe me, take a look at our Eastern European ancestors. Poland’s primary export is drunken old people falling down at weddings on YouTube.
Spoiler alert, dad, you’re getting more of the same this year. Ah, who am I kidding? My dad doesn’t read my blog.