Forget all of those other bloggers’ holiday gift guides. They’re full of dirty, dirty affiliate links anyway. This is the only thing you need this Christmas.
It’s the only thing anyone needs in their lives, period.
Behold! The Stretch Armstrong Octopus.
I never even bothered to learn his name. Assuming it is a him, I mean, that’s a fairly masculine face, but you never know with an octopus, right? Or maybe I’m just projecting a gender because it looks so… unhappy? Constipated? Annoyed? I’ve got to think a female toy licensed by Hasbro would have more of a soft pleasantness.
Which brings me to the soft pleasantness of this octopus! Yes, you could use his head as a truncheon, but his body is irresistibly squishy and supple. I hardly want to stretch him because – aw, who am I kidding?
Oh yeah, it’s as gratifying as it looks.
The human version of Stretch is leaden and laborious by comparison.
Yeah, I said it.
Don’t worry, it’s still fun to fold a cleft-chinned blonde guy into awkward positions. Some things never get old!
The octopus is also petite and lightweight. Take him anywhere! Everywhere!! Don’t let “society” keep you apart. “They” will never understand – just ask Nikola Tesla.
Happy Holidays, everyone! XO