How Lynn Got Her Food Back

Standard

Here’s a secret only parents know. If you have to change everything to keep your kid healthy, you do it. People get lung cancer, heart disease, all kinds of other illnesses all the time, and they’re like, “Meh…” but if a doctor said, look, the whole family has to stand on one leg for two hours every day from now on to keep your child healthy, you would all be standing on one leg. Guaranteed.

When my son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, we did all of that (not the standing on one leg – if only!!!) First, it was a chart on our fridge of what he HAD to eat at EVERY meal.

blog food chart

Nightmare! Mealtime tears all around. 😦

Then, we graduated to carb-counting, which is the current life-long standard. There are tons of mixed-messages in carb-counting land. “Let him eat whatever he wants, and dose for it. He’s a kid!… But don’t let him have fruit juice or sugar soda because you’ll wind up in the hospital. Really, he can eat anything! But, this meal has 200 carbs, so be careful giving all of that insulin…” It can be super confusing.


At first, I filled my pantry with dismal sugar-free stuff. This felt even worse, and, to my mind, made life harder for my son. “Here’s his special candy! When everyone else has that, he can have this!” Food is communal, and these simulated foods were just exiling him further. Plus, no matter how bad something tastes, if your kid is in first grade, some other kid is going to eat it when he’s not looking, or at least WANT to eat it.

Image result for what a candy gram i want one

Food is my best friend. Just ask my chins! Ever since I was a kid, I’ve loved cooking. Diabetes is heartbreaking on many levels, but this one was the thorn in my personal side. I love to cook for other people! I cook! I bake! It’s my way!

This is turning into a long story, so I’ll just break down my progression. We went from diet chart to meals I could calculate, which got boring fast, to the exciting part…

YouTube! You can find any way to make anything on YouTube, and I found Momof6 and FoodWishes. Those are my mainstays, and here’s why I love them. Momof6 is a master of planning and organization. With her tools, I am able to look over a whole two-to-six weeks’ worth of food (ALL food – snacks, school lunches, etc.), plan, and have an idea of how “glucose friendly” everything’s going to be. Food Wishes, then has the best way to prepare dinners, so I can still express my love and caring.

Yesterday, I made Salmon with a sauce I can’t pronounce, so I will call Butter Sauce (here’s the link), knowing that with strawberries, cauliflower, and roast potatoes, everyone was going to bed on a full stomach with good numbers. Tonight will be Chicken Fried Rice (a family favorite!) And tomorrow is leftovers (surprise) because I’m making a lot of meals lately.

I know for SURE there are channels on YouTube for restricting carbs (if that’s where you’re at), going gluten-free, “clean,” vegan, paleo – anything you want! It took me some time to curate my own preferences, but it’s worth it.  I can bake my cake, and my kid can eat it, too! Love is back in the air!!

See for yourself! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Advertisements

Savings Status: It’s Complicated

Standard

I feel like ranting today. Want to come along?

Are you familiar with click-funnels? They’re the tiny screens on websites asking you to enter your email address for one reason or another, sometimes with some incentive like a free article, a coupon code, or something as lame as “updates” so that the site has a legal way of holding on to your personal information.

Lately, when you don’t want to opt in, there’s a snarky message like, “No thanks, I hate saving money,” or “No thanks, animal welfare is someone else’s problem” – oh, PETA… you cut me deeper than a slaughterhouse line worker.

Anyway, when I get a message like that, I usually give my laptop the finger. Go ahead, check with the NSA!

But, it’s not just online merchants that piss me off lately. It’s my hard-core Mom stores, which I shall call “Karget” and “Thol’s.” Even my grocery store seems to want to get on my list. Why, “Pack and Slave”, why??

Okay, I downloaded your apps. I have your loyalty cards. I use your coupons. That’s all I have the life energy for. Fuck with me no further! Want to give me something free every Friday? WHY must I sign into my account and download another coupon? JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN THING.

Why does Thol’s have a Yep card AND Thol’s Trash? If you need me to watch a YouTube video to explain how to shop in your store – I’m not shopping in your store if I can help it! In case you hadn’t noticed, I can get LOTS of stuff for half the price delivered to my house, so why aren’t you making it EASIER for me to save? What the actual hell?

And Karget… the WalMart of shoppers in denial… I get it, you have a credit card. And, I STILL have to scroll through thirty pages of coconut-based protein bars to download coupons? I handed you my credit on a platter, you know more of my personal information than I know about myself. Yet, I seriously have to weed through coupons that expire? No.

In the words of Dana Carvey’s George H.W. Bush, “Na Gaa Da.”  Did you see me in the store today? Guess what? I ordered that kids’ birthday gift from Amazon Prime! Hahahahaha! It was two dollars cheaper than your clearance price! Yeah, feels good. Feels REAL good!

Except you know I bought your cheaper fruit cups and post-Christmas clearance soap.

blog soap

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back.

But I didn’t like it.

!!UPDATE!! You know those coupons at the checkout that promise savings on future shopping orders? blog check outHere’s what to do if they don’t print… go to Catalina’s Customer Service Page and upload a picture of your receipt. They will send your savings!! 🙂 Thanks, guys!

So, You Want to Attract Norwegians

Standard

Hey!

blog norflag

Psst! Over here!

Are you a country looking to attract Norwegians, the Cadillacs of immigrants? Well, look no further…

First, I am going to take a stab in the dark and say you don’t want to attract just ANY Norwegians. Norway has been welcoming immigrants from other countries since before the invention of the Tripp-Trapp.  Countries like Poland, Somalia, Iran, Turkey, and Syria. While these people would probably make amazing Americans, they’re already living in Norway, so I’m guessing they’re good.

TeamPNG

Funny, you don’t LOOK Norwegian…

However, the immigrants you’re thinking of are people of “Norwegian Ancestry.” Nice, blonde haired white people, amiright? Turns out, those people are pretty picky, too!

Gone are the days you just set up a logging camp and Norwegians come flooding over.

First of all, Norway has the highest standard of living in the world. They’re not going to come here and settle for jobs at WalMart, or even Trader Joe’s!

They have free education and free health care, standards people come to expect in MOST industrialized countries – and almost every other country!

They care about the future of the planet, and have ratified the Paris Climate Agreement, so before you lay out the Velkommen mat, grab a pair of coveralls and start scrubbing. This place is a MESS!

If you want to attract (and, I might add, KEEP) a “desirable” population, all you have to do is Make America Better Overall! (MABO!)

 

Five Pounds of Polish

Standard

Remember when I said I wasn’t a food blogger?

This is not a food post. It’s a Tales of the Supernatural post. If you’re a believer in the Law of Attraction, you might say that what you think about expands. In that case, one or both of my parents must be thinking a whole lot about exactly one thing:

Five Pounds of Polish Sausage.

If you don’t know what Polish Sausage is, well… you lucky bastard!

It’s a gray tube of meat.

blog polish

Let’s make our national sausage the same color as metal!

Beyond that, there’s not much to say. Oh, if you approach it while it’s cooking, it might spit hot grease at you. My mom used to prepare it in a pot on the stove, and it would get a foam on it to rival the Yamuna River.

So, you can see why it’s a staple at our holiday meals!

Anyway, we serve them cut up into 3-4″ sections because five bites is a reasonable portion of Polish Sausage for a human to consume in one sitting.

My mother, who was going to host dinner on Christmas Day, got sick and had to shunt the hosting responsibility to my saintly sister-in-law. Since Mom always serves Polish Sausage, as her ancestors always did (How do you think we stay Polish?), she made a point of getting “Five Pounds of Polish.”

“I’m not feeling great,” she’d tell me, “but I need to get to the store and get five pounds of Polish for Christmas… If it’s not snowing, we’ll pick up five pounds of Polish… the kids will eat a lot, I’d better get five pounds…”

This created a crease in the space-time continuum.

blog polish vortex

Mom created the Polish Vortex

She did bring five pounds of Polish that day, which for fifteen people was exactly 4.7 pounds too many.

And THEN, because of “ancient mystery”… my Dad’s friend prospered them with exactly five MORE pounds of homemade Polish! Well, what are you going to do? This is the good sh*t.  They’re going to have to eat it, of course, and with gratitude because it was a labor of love.

(Don’t worry, they’re going to eat it. My parents cut pancakes into halves and then fourths and eat them over a period of days until they’re GONE.)

Now it’s the New Year, and they’re chipping away at their sausage, and it’s all well and good.

BUT WAIT!

Yesterday, Mom gets a call from her niece! She went to buy Italian, and she specifically said she wanted Italian – “DON’T GIVE ME POLISH!”, she said (as anyone faced with both sausages would.) And what did she get…?

So what can they do? This winter is going to be as long and gray as that Polish. Happy New Year, everyone – be careful what you attract! XO

The Cult of Insta-Pot*

Standard

There are two types of people in the world: those who have never heard of an InstaPot, and those who devote their lives to all things InstaPot.

ipot

Hal won’t open the pod bay door.

Few appliances have the following that this pressure cooker has.

(Or any following at all. Take the toaster, for example. It’s pretty amazing, and yet, you don’t see whole online communities devoted to a four-slice with darkness control.)

Yet, this electric pressure cooker has 1,010,000 videos and hundreds of thousands of channels on YouTube. There are recipes from chocolate cake to placenta. Admit you just bought an InstaPot, and the person you’re talking to will say, “I love mine! I just made Thanksgiving Dinner for us and the Army Base next door in forty minutes!

I own an InstaPot. I bought it to cook dried beans without having to soak them for a week. I even used it for that, once or twice. (Once.) (Four years ago.)

I have used it for other things. Lending it to other people who thought they might like an InstaPot, for example!

Maybe you have to have an InstaPot gene. There are definitely people who use theirs all the time. Or maybe they don’t, and they just tell people they do to justify spending $100 or more on a gargantuan pressure cooker with more controls that an Airbus.

I feel like this is the year to become a Bride of InstaPot. But first, a few questions…

  1. What’s a good way to remove shrapnel and treat 3rd degree burns?
  2. How fast will an ambulance come for an InstaPot emergency?
  3. Do you have the number for a good reconstructive surgeon?

As I write this, I’m making hard boiled eggs. I should be making them in the InstaPot. Boy! Talk about your wasted opportunity…

JK – I’m making them in the InstaPot, and I’m having clenching pains in my chest because my cat is fascinated with the hissing sound and the steam coming from the top.

I really want to use this. I mean REALLY want to. But, I feel like I need some support and encouragement. If you use an InstaPot, and you’re not carried away using it for crazy stuff, AND you still have eyesight, hearing, and all 10 fingers, AND your cats are okay, please leave your comments! (It’s a tall order, I know…)

I am in no way compensated by Instant Pot, Instapot, or any other pot 😦

Happy New Year!

*Officially it’s called an Instant Pot. It’s for cooking. Which is much less fun than what it sounds like. But, the people who own them and worship them call them Instapot. Now you know!

One Toy to Rule Them All

Standard

 

blog stretchcvr

Ideal for those “handsy” elected officials!

Forget all of those other bloggers’ holiday gift guides. They’re full of dirty, dirty affiliate links anyway. This is the only thing you need this Christmas.

It’s the only thing anyone needs in their lives, period.

Behold! The Stretch Armstrong Octopus.

I never even bothered to learn his name. Assuming it is a him, I mean, that’s a fairly masculine face, but you never know with an octopus, right? Or maybe I’m just projecting a gender because it looks so… unhappy? Constipated? Annoyed? I’ve got to think a female toy licensed by Hasbro would have more of a soft pleasantness.

Which brings me to the soft pleasantness of this octopus! Yes, you could use his head as a truncheon, but his body is irresistibly squishy and supple. I hardly want to stretch him because – aw, who am I kidding?blog stretchy oct

Oh yeah, it’s as gratifying as it looks.

The human version of Stretch is leaden and laborious by comparison.

blog stretch human.JPG

“I heard that!!”

Yeah, I said it.

blog first oct face

blog 2nd oct faceblog 3rd oct faceDon’t worry, it’s still fun to fold a cleft-chinned blonde guy into awkward positions. Some things never get old!

The octopus is also petite and lightweight. Take him anywhere! Everywhere!! Don’t let “society” keep you apart. “They” will never understand – just ask Nikola Tesla.

Happy Holidays, everyone! XO

It Is Right to Give Him Socks and Booze

Standard

blog socks n bz

Father, all-powerful, and ever-living dad, we stress out always and everywhere to buy you gifts. There, I said it. We worship you, we give you thanks, but you have a stack of Applebee’s gift cards gathering dust on your desk. Your closets burst forth with Henley sweaters.

Dad’s getting up in years, and it’s time to switch your gift ideas from durable goods to consumables.  If your dad has three hot lather machines on his bathroom counter, and he’s still using the one from 1976, this is the year to give socks and booze.

That’s what they USE.

All winter long, my parents drink and warm their icy feet. In the spring (okay, August), they shed their fuzzy footwear which is now full of holes (presumably from staggering around the house with a scotch), and the process begins anew.

Don’t get me wrong, they are NOT alcoholics, or even heavy drinkers. They don’t even drink! They’re just cold and oldies in the Midwest, is all. They need to take the chill off.

Step inside their house on a day like today (“Bitter cold and damp,” as my dad would say) and you will feel as if you just got off a plane in Equatorial Guinea. Don’t be confused by the oil refining equipment. We thought my dad might take it up as a hobby many Christmases ago…

As I’ve said before, it’s cold here. The weather outside is frightful, so stay in and drink, is our motto. And if you don’t believe me, take a look at our Eastern European ancestors. Poland’s primary export is drunken old people falling down at weddings on YouTube.

Spoiler alert, dad, you’re getting more of the same this year. Ah, who am I kidding? My dad doesn’t read my blog.

blog dd

Bwah-bwaaaahhh!