Sweet!

Sugar and spice – and SCIENCE!

I’m making Chai Spiced Pound Cake.

It’s the most miserable time of the year. The holidays are over, we’re all fat and hangry, and it’s super-duper cold here in Wisconsin, USA.

Normally, this is my baking weather. I’ve had this blog a few years, and have shared my hatred of cold weather and the solace I take in making and eating sugary stuff. This year is different.  I’ve been gun-shy about ye old pies and cakes because my son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes (not because I’ve developed an irrational fear of Pam®.)

scare spray

Although, technically, he can eat anything he wants (“anything but poison,” the nurses like to say. haha…), we have to figure out how many carbs are in everything and give him the right amount of insulin, and sometimes we don’t know how many carbs, and sometimes he just wants to eat the goodies and not get an injection, and sometimes I worry that whatever he’s eating isn’t fit for human consumption, diabetes or not. (…Pam®)

It’s put a real damper on spontaneous cupcakes and caramel corn.

That said, both of my kids love when I bake and I love making the house warm and fragrant, and having something delicious to eat once in awhile (like every day from November to April.)

Enter America’s Test Kitchen!

The latest from America’s Test Kitchen is Naturally Sweet, Bake All Your Favorites with 30-50% Less Sugar. (It’s also available on amazon.) I just found it in the library, and I am excited for a few reasons.

1. The recipes are stalwarts reasonable people would bake, using natural sweeteners (honey, maple syrup, chocolate!!!) without weird and disastrous consequences. (Every scientific process is fully explained in laborious, skippable detail.) They also include ways to use plain old sugar if you can’t get your hands on Sucanat or coconut sugar – or if you just don’t want to.
2. They are NOT the vegan weird things I’m accustomed to making where you swap out avocados and flax seed, close your eyes and pretend it tastes just like the real thing. This is a book about reducing sugar, period. Not a “healthy dessert book.” (I still like Happy Herbivore and Chocolate Covered Katie for those recipes.)
3. It’s a classic America’s Test Kitchen tome using real ingredients, and not funkadelic sugar substitutes, packets of sugar free pudding, etc. These desserts resemble food.

Ta da! A cake to fill the emotional void left by the sun.

Time to call the kiddos and dig in!

Stick around and read more or visit me on twitter @lynnvanlier or Facebook.

What Are You, Chicken?

Did you know that if you stare at a chicken in a menacing way, it will assume you’re a predator, and it will faint? It won’t come around again until it knows it is safe.

If you have TWO chickens, and you stare at them in a menacing way, they will BOTH faint, and it will take even LONGER for them to come around. Each will wait until the other revives, and because of their mutual uncertainty, the process takes about twice as long.

For years, I had a love/hate relationship with kids’ menus. No matter where you went, they offered the same four things: chicken fingers, hot dog, cheese pizza, mac and cheese. They weren’t delicious, healthy options, but parents and restaurants colluded to create a menu of “meals kids will eat.”

There! A guaranteed no-drama dining experience for mom & dad. No bargaining about the size and number of bites. No stashing pre-cut meats in a napkin. Just happy post-meal bloat.

Some parents go so far as to recreate these meals every day at home for “picky” children. This is an enormous waste of time, especially when you and your children visit another house and they eat something new and LOVE it.

Yes, it happens! “Jeffrey won’t touch vegetables at home, but he ate a whole plate of green beans at grandma’s house.” That’s because grandma won’t cook a box of mac and cheese after all of the other foods she’s lovingly prepared for your family to eat.

“Be right back! Forgot the baked beans… “

Okay, if you’re in a restaurant where the adult entrees are hot dog, mac and cheese, chicken fingers, or cheese pizza, it’s fine to get the same for your kids. (What kind of place this would be, I’m not sure. Maybe you like to dine at the airport.)

When you go someplace special, order the kids something you’d like to eat. The last time I was at Noodles & Company (talk about a kid joint!), my kids “wanted” mac and cheese, yet they ATE almost all of my Indonesian Peanut Saute.

In fact, I’m going to go way out on a limb and tell you where we usually dine. Ethnic. Restaurants. Oh yeah. I’m not talking pizza buffet and Taco Bell. We eat Indian, Japanese, Middle Eastern, and Middle and South American, baby. My kids TRY sh*t.

…And they LOVE it. It’s something new they can’t get at home. It’s something we all experience together and enjoy, even if it might be a little strange.

What does eating out with your kids have to do with fainting chickens? This: your little chicks are waiting to see if their food (and everything else in the world) is safe. They will wait forever if you don’t get out and try something new. If you don’t eat anything but the same four unhealthy, bland, unchallenging meals multiple times every day, don’t expect them to pile on a serving of steamed vegetables and enjoy it!

Forget the kids menu! It’s cheating! Go out and order what you want, plus an extra plate. Let your kids split a falafel sampler, or a bowl of pho, or something. Then you can steam some edamame at home (yes, you can), and they will EAT it. You can serve fresh fruit salad, and they will think it’s DELICIOUS. You can make kimchi and it will be ALL GONE the next time you open the refrigerator, but you must lead the way.

Bon appetite, and while you’re here, check out my books about parenting, more parenting and an invasive interstellar virus.

Essential Guacamole

 

Keep it simple, senor

Complicated guacamole exists.

It exists to plague me.

Who put cumin in here? Noooooo!

Guacamole as you can see from this Wikipedia link is Spanish – mole (meaning sauce) and guaca – (which doesn’t sound too appetizing in its own right). It’s made from the planet’s slimiest, greenest, fullest-fat fruit, the avocado. (If I had audio, I’d insert a choir of angels. They’re delicious. Avocados, I mean, not angels.)

Don’t do the avocado wrong, man! A plant this fine deserves center stage.

I’m no chef. I’m just a pasty, Midwestern square, but I am on a mission to rescue guacamole from funky excess ingredients like sour cream, basil (!!!!), sriracha, bacon, and any and all distractions.

My guacamole starts with salt. It’s my melt-in molcajete – add some smushed cloves of fresh garlic and mush it together. You can do this in a handy chopper if you and your guac are going out on the town, but I find a bowl, spoon, and strong biceps work just as well.

Avocados are next: get the haas. Or don’t, what do I know? That’s the only kind they sell in my barrio. I choose blackish-green ones with just enough “give” when I press on them. If your thumb sinks in, pretend to be distracted by something else, put down the overripe fruit and leave the store…

Cut the avocado in half. You won’t be able to slice through the pit, so just go around it, twist both sides and pull it apart. Ideally, you’ll have a side with the pit and a pit-free side. Worst case scenario, you’ll end up in a big, messy fight with something other-worldly that will end up being a mango. If this happens, you can still make mango salsa: stay positive!

Score the flesh with a knife. Careful not to slice through the skin. Remember, we’re making simple guacamole, so NO BLOOD. Then, use your garlic-smushing spoon to scoop the green stuff out into the salt/garlic mixture. Go ahead, rough it up a little bit. Ripe avocados will break down, and not-so-ripe avocados bring me to the next allowable ingredient…

Lemon and/or lime juice. Yeah, it’s from a bottle. Jealous?

(I can hear my actual chef neighbor gasp. Sorry, Heather!)

Hey, I can’t keep lemons or limes fresh at my house. Don’t judge. The juice works! It’s still got tangy zing, and the acid helps to smooth out the avocado chunks.

If you want to get all fancy, go ahead and use fresh. It’s your nickel.

So that’s it! Salt, garlic, avocados, and a little lemon or lime juice. So good.

Now, I know some of you are itching to tell me what you add to guacamole that I will love. And I will entertain your thoughts. Knock yourself out in the comments section.

Then come to my house and scarf a whole bowl of my never-was-a-secret recipe. I won’t say I told you so… ; )

Clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Paramount Pictures, 1981.

 

Caramel Corn Makes It All Better

When the going gets tough, caramel corn makes it all better.

You wouldn’t think so, but it does.

The elections are still months away, and the outlook is bleak. Winter came and never left. The school year is dragging on. Spring break is over, and your kids are behaving like sociopaths.

It’s time for caramel corn!

As a well-traveled adult, I know different people in different parts of the country have allegiances to various corneries. Garrett’s in Chicago, Vic’s of Omaha, our local Buddy Squirrel… I love them all, and am certainly open to new possibilities.

Then there are the mass-produced Cracker Jack and Crunch n’ Munch. Both contain peanuts or peanut butter, and I’m sort of a purist, but sometimes I get desperate.

Desperate… but not serious

Wonder what happened to him.

Wait a minute, I was talking about caramel corn. If you’re really having a bad day, you’ll want to make your own. (WARNING, don’t click the link unless you want the earworm. If you already have it, it’s time to make some caramel corn.)

Since I’m not a food blogger, here is a link to Sally’s Baking Addiction. Don’t be daunted by the 10 cups of popcorn – popcorn is really fluffy, and once the caramel goodness is mixed in, it’s more compact. I suppose when you’re a food blogger like Sally, you have to include information about storing the leftovers, but…

…at our house

we wouldn’t know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shout out your favorite caramel corn in the comments section.

Check out my author page while you chow down. Here’s what Adam Ant is up to!

Girls Who Run the World

Yes, I’m going full-out Beyoncé, but I have a damned good excuse.

Girl Scout Cookies.

The Dutch have asparagus and nieuwe haring. The French have beaujolais nouveau. We have Thin Mints, Do-si-dos, and Trefoils.

Sorry, Europeans! Looks like you lose again!

God bless America!

 

Which means, if you should happen to be living under a rock and miss the cookie sale, there will be something missing from your life. For a whole year, something won’t seem quite right. You will wonder if you are losing your mind…

Do not adjust your television.

It’s only cookies, you will tell yourself. No big deal. I can live without them.

Then you will start to see them everywhere: mixed into ice cream and cereal, crushed on martini glasses, outside your dispensary (if you’re one lucky SOB.)

You see, these young women know the power of baked goods. Think about it: What happens when a Jehovah’s Witness comes to your door? What about someone running for public office? You pull out the big ‘ol guns. (Literally, if you live in Waukesha County, you pull out your guns.)

We’ve been known to pretend we’re dead on Halloween night just to avoid trick or treaters.

But come over with a sash and a cookie form? Fetch my checkbook!! We totally don’t care that they cost more than that oil change you’ve been putting off. (You can’t dunk mileage in hot coffee. Don’t even try.)

Where does all of this money go? Girlscouts.org has a breakdown if you’re interested. Make sure you scroll down to “Cookie Revenue,” as it comes after a bunch of questions about gluten. Basically, the Girl Scouts are taking care of themselves. Yes, a portion goes to local administration, but some goes to pay the baker, most of it maintains camps, and I’m sure there’s a hefty legal fund for bloggers who get all up in their patches.

Here’s a FAQ: who cares? You know you’re going to buy them, eat them (you’re NOT putting them in your freezer, unless that’s what you call your gullet) and forget about them until next winter when the snow is gray and gravelly, the Superbowl is over, and there’s nothing to live for. Nothing but sweet and tangy Lemonades and thin, Thin Mints.

Molasses, King of Cookies

I’m not a food blogger, but I do love food. Normally, I don’t use my own recipes, but this one is so good, I’m sharing. I’m a sharer.

They’re also fast & easy if you have the ingredients.

Molasses Cookies:

Preheat oven to 357 degrees, line 2 baking sheets with parchment (or silicon liners!)

2 cups flour

1 tablespoon ginger

1 tablespoon cinnamon

1 teaspoon baking soda

dash salt

dash cloves

1/4 cup ground flax seeds soaked in 1/3 cup water to make flax eggs*

*you could just use 1 egg, but use 1/4 cup ground flax too, for some texture!

1 stick butter (non-dairy, if you choose), softened

1 cup sugar plus more for rolling

1/3 cup molasses (I have Grandma’s brand)

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Mix the first 6 (dry) ingredients in a bowl. Combine the flax and water and let it gel while you cream the butter, sugar, molasses, and vanilla in a large mixing bowl. Add the flax egg (or egg and flax seed) and mix well. Add the dry ingredients and mix until the dough is uniform.

Pick up hunks of dough, shape into golf ball-sized orbs, and roll in a shallow bowl of sugar to coat. (This is important! It makes them sparkly.) Space on baking sheets about 2″ apart. Bake 14-16 minutes. Cool on a rack. They’re chewy warm and crispy cool.

No, this isn’t a “health” food, but molasses has calcium and iron (in trace amounts), and flavor. These cookies are as complex as a John le Carre novel and just as delightful (if I do say so myself.)

So enjoy! And now –  no more recipes!

Here’s my author page, when you tire of Mr. le Carre – lol

Resolutions? We Don’t Need No Stinking Resolutions

Happy New Year, everyone! We fooled the kids into thinking 9PM was midnight, then  we watched a PBS documentary about healthy eating (with Snickers and beer!) and dragged ourselves to bed at 12.

For the first year ever, I am flouting the New Year’s Resolution. Last year, I pretended to, but secretly went on a pointless diet designed to make everyone think I didn’t care about losing 20 lbs (when I really really did – not enough to actually diet or exercise, but enough to fabricate a New Year’s ruse.)

This year is different. I just don’t care anymore! Oh, happy day! Of course, I could resolve to be a better person, compost, get organized, blog at least once a week…

*Inaccurate analogy? Here’s me giving zero poops

BUT, this year I’m more like Schrodinger’s cat: I will either do those things or I won’t.*  Starting on January first won’t make any difference.

Not to me, anyway.

Which got me to thinking about things I would normally not be enjoying this week.

I spent a LOT of time yesterday on social media. I watched Despicable Me and didn’t exercise. I cursed like a Somali pirate.

I also made these delicious things for us to have around the house:

1. Doughnut Muffins. I first made these Christmas Day when I wanted to start a meaningful holiday tradition by baking something truly special and then realized, “Who am I kidding?”
2. Peanut Squares. So damn easy, they practically appear out of nothingness. Then disappear again. A mystery on par with the Trinity.
3. Emeril Lagasse’s Key Lime Pie. A very respected colleague once called this pie, “Better Than Sex.” And, I would like to add, “A Lot Less Work.”

If you are a hopeless slob like me, please put on your fat pants and enjoy these recipes. You and I have all year to improve ourselves, my friend.

If you made some solid resolutions, good for you!

(File this post for next year, just in case.)

… And – if you’re nearby, visit me at the library – I’ll bring the Snickers & wine. ; )

 

 

BOX TOPS FOR CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE

General Mills’s heart is in the right place with Box Tops for Education. I appreciate the dime they give our school every time I pay $4 for a box of cereal laden with sugar and preservatives.

My bounty of Box Tops

Here’s my real-life collection of Box Tops. Every time we finish a product, I pull out the scissors and harvest the coupon – The kids can’t do it, because after “breakfast,” they’re too strung out to handle scissors.

Sometimes, I have to rummage through the recycling to find the damn things. (You wouldn’t throw dimes in the trash, would you?)

Whenever I cut a Box Top, I can’t help but remember the subsidies General Mills actually gets from the SNAP program. It seems like we’re helping them a little more ($75.67 billion) than they’re helping us. Hey, I’m not bitter… why would they leave money on the table?

But I do have kids in school.

And I’m passionate about these programs because they ADD UP.

While it would be nice if companies just GAVE ten cents of every purchase to schools (which, I’m sure they do, in the form of taxes… I mean, they wouldn’t just take federal funds without paying their fair share, would they?), they want us to get our hands dirty. They want to see us crawl. It’s a game we’re already playing.

Mind. Blown.

I actually called Box Tops, General Mills, and Reynolds (also a participating partner) to find out how many people who buy products with Box Top offers on the packaging actually cut off the coupons and send them in.

Here’s what I found out: The companies themselves didn’t have exact figures, only dollar amounts in their annual reports. Box Tops for Education allows participating schools to redeem up to $20,000 in labels. Some schools reach that goal, and other schools only send in about $2 worth, but as the Box Tops representative said, “Every little bit counts, right?”

RIGHT!!

So, I am going on a mission to get every school $20,000 in freaking BOX TOPS!

I know I’d feel a heck of a lot better sending my kid to school with a bag full of cardboard scraps (and the Box Tops, too) if I knew there was $20 grand in it from all those dang Ziploc bags!

What do you say?

Let’s stick it to the Man. I want EVERYONE to go to your pantry and refrigerator and see if you have any products with Box Tops for Education on them.

Cut out those labels whether you have kids in school or not. Feel the gratification when you say, “That’s right, corporate establishment: Ten cents to my local school  – cough it up!”

Those companies don’t turn up their nose at free money, and neither should we.

Get dirty! Clip until your hands are calloused and raw! Then take those #$&@* Box Tops to the nearest school and drop them off like a boss.

BOOM!

Here I am on Facebook and on Twitter @lynnvanlier. Here’s my Amazon page. Keep in touch!

Thanxperimentation

It’s harvest time in my hemisphere, and I live in Harvestown, USA. Oh my gourd, there are pumpkins and cranberries everywhere. I just spent $200 on Halloween candy and a Packers muu muu, so I’m set for winter smullen.

Who says we don’t have seasonal food anymore? In spring, we have Girl Scout cookies, but in fall we have:

Eggnog, caramel apples, candy corn, cider, pumpkin scones, pumpkin pie, cranberry apple pie, cranberry fluff, and that ubiquitous “spice” I shall not name.

Apple pies come in bags (when you’re down and out, and your only friend is pie.)

It’s a sickness.

Marshmallows find their way into everything – everything.

Yummly’s Baked Beans With Marshmallows. Next recipe, Artisinal Insulin.

You see, we don’t get a lot of sunlight here, and the climate is very, very cold. There’s a madness that happens knowing we’re going to be trapped with nothing but food for companionship for the next 6 months.

That’s when we get creative, and our medium is marshmallows, brown sugar, white sugar, powdered sugar, corn syrup, molasses, honey, agave…

Yesterday, I made cranberry pie. It might as well have been paperclip pie, because it was mostly sugar. This morning, I made chipotle cornbread stuffing – skip that healthy veggie chili, this was basically chili-flavored cake.

I also made myself an extra chin and a built-in flotation tube in the unlikely event of a water landing.

The culmination of all of this cooking, baking, and “putting foods by,” is the Mother of All Holidays, Thanksgiving. Happy belated Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends, who celebrate on the second Monday in October.

(Thanksgiving five weeks early? Those Canadians have no self-control.)

That’s when we get to show off all of our creativity and kitchen savior-faire. But, normally we don’t.

“This would be a great recipe for Thanksgiving!” is what we say when we’re mixing half a cup of squash puree with a gallon of vanilla ice cream and two jars of butterscotch sauce. Then, we eat it, and the memory crosses our mind when we’re making the traditional, SET IN STONE, Thanksgiving recipes EXACTLY the way our ancestors made them (from the back of the Stove Top box.)

Good thing, once Thanksgiving is over, we go back to eating sensibly for the rest of the winter. Once the period of Thanxperimentation ends, it’s all fresh green vegetables in small portions until Girl Scout cookies roll around.

Sadder than a Charlie Brown tree

While you’re warming yourself by your screen, don’t forget to check out my Amazon author page and follow this blog. Thanks!

Photos:

Pie in a Bag from Elegant Farmer

Baked Beans with Marshmallows from Yummly

Veggie Christmas Tree

Goat Butter and Other Dutch Adaptations

You haven’t seen me in a while, and that’s because we were in the Netherlands. No, I didn’t “just get back,” I have been processing. There was quite a bit to process…

For one thing, I gave goat butter a pass, and now I see that was a mistake. I try not to eat dairy and eggs. (The dairy industry is the meat industry is the leather industry – it’s not for this blog. I like you people.)

Now, I see goat butter is the most amazing thing on the planet. Ah well, another opportunity lost. In 20 years, I have never had drugs in the NL, nor have I gambled (even though I could win big. Like 200 Euros big.)

Next time I go back, I won’t be able to get goat butter. That’s how the Dutch roll. They’re always adapting.

We have a friend who started texting 17 years ago, but isn’t on social media. Why? Because the Dutch still see each other. Like, in person. They actually have a cultural phenomenon where they sit in a chair OUTSIDE in the middle of town, and when their friends walk by, THEY TALK. It’s all social, no media. They liked the texting so they kept it, but the rest of it? Waste of time…

They also hang their garbage bags on the lamp posts now. Oh, this is going to catch fire. Instead of putting all of the trash in a bin and wheeling it to the street, where some American tourist will hit it with their giant huurauto and spill it all over the place, they put hooks around the lamp posts and just hang the bags for the trash collector to pick up.

“Look at our trash! We make it look modern and decorative! We’re the Dutch! We innovate, muthaf#$kers!”

Here’s another adaptation I’m not so crazy about. Service. Used to be, if you wanted downright abuse, you went to France. If you wanted lukewarm but incredibly capable service, you went to the Netherlands.

Say you wanted a sandwich before your movie started. It’s just a sandwich, how long can it take? Long. Oh, it would be a great sandwich with the freshest side salad and the most flavorful ragout on heavenly bread. But your movie was not your server’s problem.

They got paid a living wage, and it’s incredibly difficult to fire an employee, so you’d have to wait. When you reminded them you had a movie to catch, they’d have probably even said something like, “Okay, it’s no problem,” meaning it wasn’t their problem you didn’t eat before you left the hotel. (The French server would just huff or maybe give you the finger.)

“This is me expressing myself.”

Nowadays, the Dutch are alarmingly concerned about service, and I’m not sure I like it.

I’m afraid what it might mean. We noticed a lot of “give us a 5-star rating” or “like us on Facebook.” Even the hospital – the hospital! – had posters about service. And that’s saying something for Dutch healthcare. Because American businesses (including hospitals) know that you can offer consumers total idiocy as long as it’s “served up with a smile.”

“Yes, they amputated the wrong arm, but they were so nice!”

If this is the way you’re adapting, Netherlands, you’re doing it wrong. What happened to the superiority that allowed you a booming slave business? What about that time you tied your entire economy to tulips and spices – and ruled the world? I’m just saying, don’t look at us – we’re still new.

In the last 2 days, our Supreme Court just protected the Affordable Care Act and upheld same-sex marriage. As a Dutch friend said, “Welcome to the 21st Century.”

Service is not your purview, it’s adapting in the direction of quality. Stick to the world-class free education, the compassionate care for your people and the environment, and food so fresh and preservative-free, it’s moldy by the time you finish your tiny soda.

I don’t want Jens kneeling next to me on the terrace and asking if I want sparkling or still water. I want the Netherlands back. Don’t even offer me water at all! Give me that tarry, tongue-coating coffee for which you exploited Suriname.

Alstublieft.